I am reflecting back on this month of May as it draws to a close. There are changes that on the surface feel challenging, yet going deeper can be experienced as exciting for the potential they hold. Typically change can bring with it resistance in our human experience. Change can trigger fear of the unknown. That is when we must draw on our reserves of Trust.
Let’s think for a moment about how nature experiences change. Do the flowers resist blooming? Do the leaves on the trees resist the re-birth that spring holds? Do the grasses resist turning green and growing once again? It is all part of the natural order of things. Just like it is for us. All things change. Nothing remains the same. Yet we tend to cling to what we know and what we perceive to be safe each time we are presented with the ever foreboding CHANGE. Just as in nature, change can hold amazing gifts of re-birth for us as well. If we are open to seeing things from this perspective, we would have more space to breathe and enjoy this wild mystery ride we are all partaking in.
I was out to lunch celebrating our birthdays with a fellow Taurus friend last week. During our conversation, I was reminded that we moved to Boulder two years ago May 29th. Time has passed rather quickly. Moving here was a tremendous change for us but has been absolutely the best move we could have made. The long process of moving here was all about following and trusting my intuition. If I had not been willing to go with the flow of change, I would never have been blessed with living in this beautiful city and all the things that have sprung from that decision and started fresh on a new path.
Change number one: My son graduated from High School! WOW!!! This long part of our journey is complete. He is 18 now and he is starting to create his new life. Of course I am a proud mama! Yet, even though he is planning a GAP year before attending college and will be living at home, this has brought up some fear for me. As a single parent of an only child this brings up fears of being alone. So isn’t it ironic that since he has graduated I have actually seen him more! He got sick with Strep Throat so I had to nurse him through that. Then he had many projects he needed help with. Now we are partnering up with daily food preparations in the kitchen. He has his tasks and I have mine. So much for being alone. So all this to say that change can bring good things even when it feels like it may not. I know things will change again since he will be going off to college next year but it feels good for now so I am grateful. It feels like a more gradual transition which will be helpful for me in the long run.
Change number two: My dear friend of over 20 years is about to move away with her family to NYC next week! She is my son’s godmother. I realized this weekend, that other than Claude she was the only one with me at the birth of my son Noah. This realization filled my eyes with tears and my heart with sorrow at thought of her leaving. We were instant friends when we met and have continued to be even though most of our relationship has been spent living apart. As she says “we are soul sisters”. One of the reasons we moved here to Boulder two years ago was to be close to her. After living apart for 15 years it has been such an incredible gift to be living near her once again. The icing on the cake has been that our kids have had the opportunity to get to know one another and create strong bonds of love and connection. Such a gift.
I have known for six months that this day would come so I have had time to process this loss. At this point I am at peace for the most part. But there is still a place inside that is grieving this loss. I get a feeling of panic that I remember getting when my dad died then again when my mom died. This is a different kind of death or ending. It is the ending of our two-year season of living in close proximity to one another and it hurts! There will be a huge gap in our lives with them gone. Her family has become our family so this is a loss for my son as well. We will visit one another but it will never be the same.
Thankfully a larger part of me sees this as an opportunity, an opening that is being presented that would not be available without this change. I can see that in the “big picture” her living here has served an important purpose of getting us to move to Boulder, which is exactly where we need to be. I will continue to trust that her move is on purpose for all concerned and the the mystery of life is unfolding just as it needs to for all of us. But yes, there will definitely be some sadness and grief sprinkled in the mix, that is unavoidable and needs to be honored as I straddle the lines of Fear and Trust.
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