Layers Of Grief On Father’s Day

 

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Photo By: Cara Hope Clark ~ Noah and Dad
One more year rolls around and I notice that Father’s Day still tugs at my heart. My dad died 12 years ago. It saddens me that I was not able to be there with him when he passed, but thankfully he was not alone, other family members where there including my mom, surrounding him with love when he made his transition.
I would like to celebrate Ned Clark today and all the years he lovingly and selflessly dedicated himself to his family and especially my mom. In the end I think he was just tired from all the years of being a caregiver to mom. It was time for him to let go of the stresses and strains of that role and move on.
Sadly though, my son Noah missed out on having a meaningful relationship with his grandfather. He didn’t get to know how special that can be since my dad died when Noah was only six years old. Not only that, his other grandfather had already died before he was born.
I wish he could have gotten to know my dad’s kind and generous heart, his caring nature. I wish my dad could have been here to see Noah grow up. But alas that was not part of the plan.
I am sharing this photo of the two of them that was truly a special moment in time. Noah beaming, sitting on his grandfather’s lap, dad sitting by the water at a treasured spot that he and my mom loved visiting in Bristol RI.
Another layer of sadness makes its way to the surface. With Claude’s suicide, my son is without his dad. This is the hardest piece for me today. Yes, I recognize that Claude is with Noah at critical moments as needed, guiding him through his life on the sidelines now, but still, there is something about my son being without his dad here in the flesh that feels wrong. He has missed and will continue to miss all the many milestones in Noah’s life. Turning 16, getting his driver’s license, turning 18, graduating high school, choosing a college and on and on… It is harder for me than it is for Noah. He seems just fine, he is resilient. But for me, I go into a place of sadness. I miss our family hugs, I miss seeing them together, interacting in ways that only they knew the code for. The two of them were so much alike, so in tune, I felt like an outsider at times.
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Claude and Noah on a father-son trip at the Atlantis Resort
I am grateful that we both have the ability to recognize that if Claude were still here we would not be the people we are today. Our lives have unfolded in ways that would have been highly unlikely were Claude to be alive. Once again, I know on a higher level that this is all in divine perfection but it still hurts, especially on these days when we honor our loved ones. It’s hard not to notice, Claude is gone.
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