I am releasing the pause button and returning to my writing practice. It has been over four weeks now since I wrote my last post: Claude’s Path to Suicide. I knew it would be hard, but writing that post was demanding and exhausting beyond what I had imagined. To write it, I had to go into my traumatized memory banks, re-tracing all the factual information, recounting the timeline and of course bring to the surface all of the harrowing emotions of that inconceivable episode in my life.
On the heels of writing that post, I was supporting someone very close to me through a dark time that triggered some old feelings that I experienced when Claude was descending into oblivion. On top of that, I was grieving the loss of proximity to my dear friend and her family who moved away to NYC in June. I found myself sliding into depression and daily anxiety. I had misplaced my joy, motivation to write and desire to keep moving forward. Telling and crafting my story of losing Claude was a deeply emotional experience, the thought of going back into my writing process around that seemed daunting. I gave myself permission to take a break, to take the time I needed to process all of this, but something felt off as time passed. I started feeling confined by my feelings of anxiety and depression. I knew it was time to start shifting gears.
In that last post, I wrote about what I have learned about depression in my life and through watching Claude’s decent. For me, what I have discovered as the root of depression, is that we can get sidetracked due to fear and resistance. When we are living from this place rather than being in the stream of our souls’ purpose, we can get trapped in the sticky web that is depression. When this happens, our souls’ directives get diverted. We move from being in the flow of our divine plan, we loose the awareness of our interconnection with Joy. We forget to listen to our inner guidance that is always working for our higher good. I allowed this to happen for a time, but I can say now that with support from one of my trusted healers, I am happily on the other side of that and back in the saddle, delighted to be writing this post.
During our healing session, I was reminded that there was a moment a couple of weeks ago that I stopped and asked myself “what am I NOT doing that my soul desires and requires of me”? The answer was simple and to the point: “You need get back to your blog/book”. I heard it loud and clear; I remember feeling a sense of joyfulness and almost giddy excitement at the thought of writing again. Feeling this way is always an indication of Truth for me, so I knew I was on the right track. Yet despite this impassioned guidance, I remained held and captivated by my old blueprint of anxiety, depression and grief. This is a very old pattern for me that has played like a broken record over and over again in my life. When we can recognize that we are not actually held captive by our stories, that we do indeed have the power to change them, we can change the channel, change the program, thereby setting ourselves free.
We have reached a powerful and transformational time that requires each one of us to be courageous enough to step forward, come out of the shadows and step into the light to share our medicine with the world. We all came here with an important purpose, something very special to share. What outdated stories and scripts have held you back from inviting and living your Truth? What has your Divine Self been quietly or not so quietly been whispering to you, longing to express through you as You? Can you allow yourself to open the door, even if it is just a crack to allow your inner guidance to broaden your expansive awareness of what is possible for you in your life? It is really quite simple, but our minds find innumerable ways to sabotage us. Please know that this is part of being human, we all go through this, we just need to be gentle and loving with ourselves. This is a practice. We need to be persistent and dedicated to getting back on track when we get derailed. This is what I have done over and over again in my life, especially on this grieving journey. Honestly, sometimes I get REALLY discouraged, I just want to give up and throw in the towel. But somehow even when I have reached rock bottom and feel utter hopelessness, I find the strength I need to pick myself up and start again and again and again.
So never give up hope, as my mom used to say “it is always darkest before the dawn”. Good words to live by for sure. Thanks mom!
Until next time,
Keep on Keepin’ On, movin into Love.
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