This surprised me! Earlier this week marked the tenth anniversary of Claude’s suicide. When I sat down to write a post to commemorate his passing, this letter to my beloved came through.
I lost you on that day to suicide.
The shock of finding you is eternally embedded into my psyche and nervous system. Now, as I recognize this pivotal threshold, these questions have bubbled to the surface.
What would I have thought if you told me a decade ago that I would be grateful for the transformational journey that grief would usher me through?
Would I have believed that I would survive the pain and trauma? That I would eventually find joy and purpose again in my life?
Would I have believed that I would eventually gain strength and wisdom beyond anything that I could have imagined from that vantage point?
Would I have believed that nine years later I would become an author, publishing an award-winning memoir based on my journey through grief?
Would I have believed that I would still have haunting bursts of grief from the trauma, bringing me to my knees?
What would I have said to you in response to these pointed questions? I would have screamed, “you’re crazy!”
I was broken.
Over these many years, I have had to come to terms with the fact that I may never heal completely. With support and dedication, I have mended my shattered heart and recognize that this is a lifelong pilgrimage. One to be honored and held sacred.
I release the past aspects that are ready to be released and step into my future as an empowered sovereign women, filled with bright possibilities. I am grateful to be alive as I embrace the new with a curious and open heart.
I celebrate our souls’ purpose and our time together, knowing that it’s been for the highest good for all concerned. In turn, I have learned to love myself through it all, trusting that you are with me when I need you and that our love lives on.
Most of all, I celebrate you dear Claude, and miss you with all my heart.
Loving you always,