I spent the last few months of 2017 working on my first book where I have been detailing my journey through grief since my husband’s suicide in 2012. At years end I was feeling rather in awe and exhilarated about what I had accomplished. I took a few weeks off over the holidays and now it feels like an inner resistance has taken hold. It feels like an unconscious energetic barrier has been erected serving as a protection mechanism for my heart. But I also know that what I need most is to dive back into the pool of my memories allowing the wisdom and the medicine to surface so that I can complete this project and in turn recover my freedom and serve my higher purpose.
As I lay awake last night with my incessant insomnia it came to me that there are two opposing sides or fractions breathing within me. There is the wounded one who still grieves her loss and expresses her needs when least expected. She sometimes needs to cry and be acknowledged that she is still alive and kicking. There are times when she needs to be nurtured and cared for. In the darkness of the night I came to the harsh realization that she will likely be with me the rest of my life. I am almost six years out now. This April 19th will mark the day when Claude took his life and my world crumbled around me. I have been slowly putting the pieces of my life and my heart back together since that devastating day. Mind you these pieces have changed and rearranged themselves over time. My life has been forever altered. This part of me still feels the loss in the deepest sense and still misses her husband and her sweet little family that they created together. She is the one who still lingers in grief. She is the one who remembers vividly what it felt like to find her beloved hanging dead in their attic. She is the one who has relived that moment hundreds times feeling the anguish in her heart and the gut wrenching pain.
Then there is the other side. The one who celebrates all that has transpired since Claude has left because she has a broader understanding of our life’s big picture. She understands that we are all living within our own individual soul stories where we get to learn and experience all of our life’s up and downs as only a human being on this earth plane can. She knows that there is really no death only transitions to other realms that again we as humans have a limited capacity to understand. She sees that Claude’s transition has served an important purpose in her and their son’s lives. Because of his suicide she and their son are living in a beautiful CO city that is much more supportive to each of their individual needs and have created a life filled with purpose despite or actually because of this loss. She understands that while this was truly the most intense and most painful experience of her life it has also been the most potent filled with the most rewards and gifts along it’s tortured and arduous path. She is filled with gratitude for the whole ball of wax. She is grateful that she has had the strength to stay alive through the many times when she wanted to give up with thoughts of suicide herself. To be alive and to be able to be by her son’s side continuing to be a supportive influence is one her most coveted joys.
Living with two opposing forces can have its challenges however they both hold valuable currency. She who carries the grief serves the purpose of feeling and processing her loss going deeper as time passes. Without this there can be no healing. She who holds the message of the truth of this life holds the key to understanding. Without this there can be no hope for the future or forward momentum and would ultimately be trapped in an inner world filled with suffering and hopelessness.
I had planned to write a blog post about setting intensions for the new year and letting go of that which no longer serves us. While that is an important exercise for all of us at the beginning of each new year in many ways this post may even more significant personally for me.
I now have a more conscious understanding of what these parts of me need serving as a beacon moving through 2018. I will listen to my dear wounded one with more tenderness when she needs my love and support. I will also listen to the wise one who celebrates this life with all that it contains and holds for us. Knowing that both sides are valid and need to be held creating a space for balance and wholeness. I affirm that I am anchoring this new facet of understanding in this new year filled with a heightened sense of expectation and awareness.
On another note: I wanted to mention that if Claude were still alive we would be celebrating his 60th birthday on the 20th of this month. I was eight months older than he was so each year for a brief time we would be the same age in number anyway. Not sure why but I always enjoyed that. When I remembered the other day that he would have been 60 my grieving side cried immediately with no hesitation yet at the same time I was able to celebrate the fact that he was no longer in pain and that we had 18 years in which we were able to celebrate together when he was still with us. So this year on your birthday Claude I will raise a glass to you my beloved dear one, grateful for the life and love we shared and grateful for your continued guidance and loving support from the unseen world.
It is my deepest wish that this message has contained some significant insights and clarity for you on your own unique journey through your life’s passage. May 2018 bring to closer to joy and healing all that causes you suffering leading to a deeper level of understanding and the truth that is your life and your soul.
With love and gratitude,
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