Cara Hope Clark

I am remembering with such sweetness, my wedding day with Claude. Yesterday would have been our 21st wedding anniversary. That day was infused with anticipation, stunning clear blues skies on the coast of Northern CA, the sound of the crashing ocean waves below us as we said our wedding vows surrounded by an intimate group of family and friends. It was picture perfect! Was our life together picture perfect? I would have to use one of Claude’s favorite phrases, “not so much”. Yet, would I do it all over again knowing the future outcome? Yes, I would. We rode the waves of our relationship with immutable love and a consummate commitment to our marriage. We laughed (a lot) we cried, we co-created a life together that we can be proud of. We raised our son together for 14 years, who has already far surpassed our wildest dreams and he is only 18.

After four years of healing from this loss I am still single. In some ways I am quite content with that but in other ways I long for a partnership that can soothe my soul. Naturally I have longed for Claude’s touch and our lost friendship, but all that is gone, at least in the form it once embodied. He won’t be back any time soon and my life is marching on.

I am thankful that I have had the strength to wait, giving myself the precious time spent healing and learning more about who I am and what I want to create in my life. After this magnitude of a loss I think it is important to take it slow and devote as much time as possible to ourselves. Honestly, it takes a lot of strength and courage to go it alone. Thankfully, I have had the privilege of raising my son which has provided me with some of that strength and inspiration to keep moving forward. I am not sure where I would be today without him here by my side.

Soon after Claude died, I saw clearly the day would come that I would have a partner again. Sometimes, I feel this mystery man close to me, waiting patiently in the wings until our time to be togther has come to pass. I had no idea that after four years I would still need to be on my own. I trust that when the time is “right” we will be brought together in the perfect moment at the perfect time. Until then I will continue to practice patience and nurture the most important relationship, the one with myself. Knowing that loving and honoring oneself is the most essential work of all.

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